I wanted to write a love story, but I didn’t know how it ends. So, I’ll write a story about love, knowing She always leads me home.
I fell in love, and it’s been twenty-one years. He was my best friend and most spectacular lover, and he never complained about anything inside our home. When he would sing, my heart would swoon. He melted me.
There were signs, but I wouldn’t have believed them if I hadn’t lived the experience. He adores me. He is always quick to apologize and will do anything for me, which is a precious gift that needs to be handled with care.
He taught me the power of love.
Love that holds on, and love that let’s go.
I grew to understand unconditional love through heartbreak and grief. All roads lead back to ourselves.
As I write the story, I remember Adele’s song Rolling In The Deep—her lyrics and the steady, driving beat. It was one of his favorite songs to sing, and he does a fantastic Adele! With his voice, he was breathing life into my soul while manifesting his demise. Yes, a song can be just a song, AND music expresses our most profound desires.
I’m naturally a very controlling person. If we’re really honest with ourselves, we all are, that’s how we survived. The challenge we face is when we try to control things that aren’t controllable and ignore the things that we can control. This concept is most commonly found in the serenity prayer of AA.
The first time I read Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Fifth Agreement, I had a spiritgasm that lasted for weeks. Concepts that I had been refining for 20 years were elegantly packaged in a neat little book of ancient wisdom. My mind was blown.
This experience changed my perspective of myself. I realized I mainly had followed my heart, intuition, and pleasure, but I also felt I needed to prove something. I never felt good enough to be just me; I needed to know more and do more.
One day, as I pondered my good enoughness, I had a vision of myself sitting in the Cosmos, and all the knowledge of the Universe was flowing in threads around me. Everything I ever wanted to know was right there! But I could only understand certain things… and they called to me.
I was sitting inside Universal Wisdom and Knowledge! No knowledge or enlightenment is mine because there is no me except this gift of a skin suit that loves to experience EVERYTHING!
At that moment, I knew I didn’t need to prove anything. I can BE, and part of my BEing is “working.” I love to see people expand their possibilities! I love to see joy enter their spirit and the delight of possibilities!
When I was seven years old, I wrote a poem.
I love to work, I love to play, I love to do it every day.
Me, August 9, 1986
My little self didn’t realize that love would become my work. I love to love and be loved. Let’s spread that shit around like glitter and bring a new type of change to this climate!
Love is work; don’t let anyone fool you.
Love is taking personal responsibility for your words and actions.
Love is doing what you say you will do.
Love challenges the status quo.
Love propels you forward into new experiences.
Love is an eternal embrace from the innermost place, expanding to the ends of time and space.
I started compiling a list of books rather than focusing on my teaching. The more I shared book recommendations with my clients and friends, the easier it was to love. After all, wisdom and knowledge are not mine but of Universal Consciousness!
*Deep exhale* I have nothing to prove. I am good enough. Damn. That feels good. Be. Do. Have. Life is so simple, just not easy.
Authors are my mentors, coaches, and guides. Through their books, they bestow on me the depth of their wisdom, and I have the power and control to use that wisdom to change my life. I feel so blessed to live in a time of abundant resources!
The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute is similar in philosophy to The Fifth Agreement but much more in-depth and with tools to apply in our everyday lives and businesses. These two books on leadership and communication replaced dozens of other books in my library.
For a time, I had hoped that my partner would find himself as we read these books together. I wanted him to see me with the eyes of his soul like he did so long ago… and he tried so hard. The following few books redefined the very nature of humanity, transforming my understanding of love forever.
Most men are idiots. If I have to remind a man to brush his teeth or trim his nose hairs, he can not hurt me. Full stop. If he isn’t even functioning as a grown, ass man with dignity, self-respect, and adequate hygiene, he has ZERO impact on my feelings or decisions. I wish it didn’t take me 45 years to figure this out, and I’m grateful it only took me 45 years. Decentralizing men is rewiring a millennium of conditioning that says they will hurt us if we don’t obey them and smile.
I had to study men before I could see the language of the patriarchy and colonialism. The Laws of Human Nature and The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene are a comprehensive breakdown of human behavior and subconscious patterns. If you have a funny feeling about a relationship, read these books. If you need help understanding why you haven’t been as successful as you feel like you should’ve been, read these books. If love doesn’t feel like love, READ THESE BOOKS!
Then, when you can see all the patterns and nothing is hidden, Unbound: A Woman’s Guide to Power by Kasia Urbaniak and All About Love by bell hooks will help you find solid ground. These two books gave me the courage to say that I need to leave my family twice per month for a few days to write, rest, and simply BE.
As I write this, I have my toes in the sand and a spectacular view. I don’t know how my love story will end, but love never ends; Her gentleness soothes my soul, and His strength gives me courage. I am love. I am loved. I am.
My greatest desire is for you to experience love—a love for yourself that is so profound that you stand in your power and declare your love. However, that looks. However, that sounds. However awkward it feels, declare your BEing! Share your magic! Dance in your darkness, and you will blossom in the light!
