I felt like the least qualified person to be a parent and wasn’t even slightly prepared.
In Winter of 1992, I had my first miscarriage. I was 13 years old. They said I wouldn’t be able to have kids, and being child-free felt comfortable for me. Even as a child, I never dreamt of being a mother.
In the spring of 2000, I was sleeping off a three-day bender, and when I woke, I KNEW I was pregnant. The abortion clinic down the street verified my dream.
Something broke in me that day. I would become the best version of myself for her, but she had different plans.
I quit all drugs and alcohol that day. I’ve never been more sick in my life; the pain was unbearable. As the fog lifted, I started reading.
The hormones of pregnancy are wild! For many, it causes an obsession with learning about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, as it did for me. This was a significant shift from my usual true crime and serial killer genre.
By the time I gave birth, I felt like I was equipped and ready to start this new adventure. Then she started crying. She cried for almost the entirety of her first six months.
The hospital placed us in a soundproof room for 17 hours while running every possible test, only to be told that I had a fussy baby. We tried every formula, every sleeping position, every hack… “Eventually, she would grow out of it.” They said.
One day, I put her on the dryer in her bouncy seat, and she fell asleep. The linoleum floor in front of the dryer became my sanctuary.
Do you know how they say everything in life prepares you for the next thing? Yeah, that’s not fun. Lol!
She screamed until she could stand up and walk; she was 6 1/2 months old. But walking was just a means to get to climbing. Nothing could contain her.
By 18 months old, she would get so frustrated that she would squeeze her little fists, shaking and holding her breath until she passed out. I needed answers, and I was not okay.
Parenting books of the 1990s and early 2000s mainly focused on training our kids to conform “without breaking the spirit.” At the time, this idea was very progressive compared to the prior ideology that children are not meant to be seen or heard.
My young daughter was a ball of fire. She broke my will and my ego. She won, and I’m so glad she did. Over the next couple of years, I discovered that making our kids conform IS breaking their spirit.
In late 2003, I fell in love. We married in 2004, and he wanted more children, but I was uncertain if I could carry another child, much less raise them! After another miscarriage, I went to a naturopath midwife, and through her magic and knowledge, my hormones adjusted, and I was pregnant within the first month.
Set to have a VBAC home birth, she gave me a list of books to read that forever changed my view of womanhood, childbirth, my body, and the power of creation within me. Ina May’s Guide To Childbirth, Spiritual Midwifery, Birthing From Within, and others that I can’t remember because it’s been 20 years… Lol! These books helped me claim my body as a magical wonderland of a skin suit that has carried me through every experience I’ve ever had and fall in love with my aging, changing, growing self.
We had four more children between 2005 and 2010, and each of their births was unique! My third birth was assisted by a midwife who was a ranch wife, farmhand, and veterinarian. My fourth pregnancy and birth were completely unassisted, as I was in complete peace, love, and acceptance.
When I got pregnant again, I was not okay. I was so far over my head. My mother had passed away two months prior, my career was taking off, and my hormones were unhinged. We hired a whole team of midwives. After four days of labor, he was 10lbs, 14oz, and I was DONE.
Domesticating children felt impossible and pointless. Why do they need to participate in the system? If the whole point of going to school is to learn to sit down and be quiet, but I didn’t want my kids to sit down or be quiet… Why are we doing this?!?!
So we quit, and I stopped doing everything that went against my intuition. I decided to get to know my children as individuals and help equip them for adulthood.
They learned marketing, fonts, and persuasion techniques before they could read or write. I committed to answering every question, and they learned to do research as their questions got more complex.
We learn through adventure, books, movies, video games, nature, and experiments. My primary goal is to protect their curiosity and love of learning. From that concept came the “one-rule household.” Our only rule is to be kind to yourself and others. When you eliminate rebellion and resistance, relationships thrive.
Being kind to yourself is SO much harder than it appears. I started playing a game in my head: if I wouldn’t say it out loud to my kids, then I’m not allowed to say it in my head to myself.
I had already witnessed my shadow speaking through the mouths of my toddlers. I did not want them to receive the conditioning I had been given; I had to act as an example.
I let them witness my growth, feelings, and struggles while trying not to burden them with adult stress or concepts they aren’t prepared for. As they have grown older, I share openly about my journey and the difficulties of navigating life, love, resources, and responsibilities.
How else are they going to learn if not from me?
I can’t change anyone. I don’t want to change my kids. My only desire is for them to discover love inside themselves and allow that love to pour into their passions and desires.
I parent by example. I changed myself to be more present and available, listen deeper, make more money in less time with less effort, and enjoy my life because that’s what I desire for my children.
If I want them to be brave, I must be brave.
If I want them to be loving and gentle, I must be loving and gentle.
If I want them to stand up for themselves, I must stand up for myself.
My children taught me how to parent, and I’ve done my best to teach them how to be human with love, curiosity, and adventure.
My relationship with my children is, without a doubt, the easiest part of my life. Children are naturally incredible when you sit down and listen to them. It was intimate love and money that hit me in the honey boo-boo.
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